I've never really put into words the story of losing my first wife about 14 years ago. It's not something you ever prepare for and don't even think about. You expect to lose your grandparents and your parents and you become older, that's pretty much a given. But I don't believe many think too much about losing your wife for husband.k
My loss came on a late winter's eve when I least expected it. Pat had been in declining health with some major heart issues but seemed to be doing well. After a couple of hospital stays and some time in rehab at Heartland Healthcare in Henry she was a little more active than she had been.
One day she told me that there was a seminar at Heartland that she would like to attend so I agreed to take her to Henry. I dropped her off and left to run some errands and returned to wait for her to finish. I was sitting in the lobby near the door where I had a partial view of the nurses station down the hall. I saw Pat walk to the nurses station where she was talking with ladies she knew from her previous stays. She then disappeared from my view and I figured she had moved to another position out of my view. A couple of minutes went by and I noticed some of the CNA's scurrying around the nurses station. As I watched this I was thinking this can't be good so I got up and walked down the hall to find Pat on the floor in the midst of a heart attack. As I watched I had a sinking feeling that she might not survive this. She was not conscious but was breathing. The ambulance finally showed up and they were going to transport her to Perry Memorial in Princeton.
I left behind the ambulance on what by now were some icy roads and the trip seemed like it would never end. We finally arrived at the hospital where they rushed her into the ER and began trying to ,keep her alive. The doctors worked on her for a while and then one came out and told me I better come in because it didn't look good. I went in and was able to talk to Pat but she was barely coherent. The doctors were wanting to life-flight her to Peoria but the weather was bad enough to ground the helicopters so that was out of the question.
Previous to all of this Pat and I had had a discussion months ago about being kept alive by machine because of her earlier close calls. We both agreed that neither of us would want to live under those conditions. And because of the amount of time between Pat going down at the nursing home and finally arriving at the hospital I was having serious doubts about her survival and what shape would she be in if she did survive.
So, as I stood beside her in the ER she had another incident so the doctors jumped back in to try and keep her breathing. I watched this for a few minutes and finally told them to stop. They stopped and stood back while I went to Pat to try and talk to her. I knew at this point she was not going to make it. She was getting weaker by the second and I told her I loved her and didn't want her to go. She told she loved me and a moment later she was gone. Before she passed I had asked for last rites to be administered and they were.
The rest of what happened in the hospital is a blur and I really don't remember it. I then walked outside to my van and got in.
I think then I was in shock and at that point had never felt so alone in my entire life. I just sat stunned in the parking lot for about 20 minutes. I finally headed for home knowing I was going to make some phone calls.
The first person I called was my brother Tom and filled him in. I was, by this time, starting to come apart. I asked Tom to make the call to the rest of the family as I didn't think I could hold it together enough to make the calls.
Pat and I had been married almost 37 years and I had dated her for three years before we got married so by the time she passed I had spent 2/3 of my life with her. I was lost and was in no way prepared to deal with her passing. Coming home to an empty house was a new reality for me and I have to say it was difficult. With Pat gone now I had only the cats, and they were pretty much hers anyway.
I don't really know what the point of me writing this is but I just felt it was time for me to put it on paper. You just never know what the good Lord will put on your plate and some things are a real test.
